Another confusing thing about Protestants: they ask “What would Jesus do?” then they give themselves Lego man haircuts and vote Republican and avoid the wrong side of town. Jesus was a bearded, long-haired socialist who hung out with lepers; someone those prigs would call a wild man.

Eve wasn’t evil. Like a lot of women in history, she just gets a bad rap. She was just doing what she was supposed to do during all that lapsarian business. And we’re all the better for it. Without Eve, there would have been no sin, and thus no need for Jesus. Without Jesus, God would be incomplete. And we wouldn’t know that He is really just a synonym for love.

There’s nothing wrong with a celebration. The Eucharist is a celebration. And it’s a look back. We look back to Jesus’ Mass to help us look forward to heaven.

Jesus would probably be pretty direct over text.

Sweet JesusLet us liveIn love togetherAs love forever

Sweet JesusLet us liveIn love togetherAs love forever.

Who was Steve Jobs, anyway? An adopted half-Arab on acid, really. Everything you need to know is right there. Close enough to Jesus to confuse some into thinking he might’ve been the second coming, but far enough, when you know the facts, like Ray does, to reveal himself for what he really was: the Antichrist.