I hate “fun runs” because, seriously, fuck you.

Angel food cake could never be the food legitimate angels eat, because in heaven you can eat steak and chocolate and very expensive cheese. The angels who feed on this cake are the kind that show up in Thomas Kinkade paintings or sing backup for Corey Feldman.

If it wasn't for curse words and grandoise hand gestures, I don't know if Brooklynites would even be able to communicate. In fact, I had requested that holograms of me making dramatic hand gestures be included in this book, but my publisher said it was "too expensive", which is total fucking bullshit.

Fellow Italians: stop getting all bent out of shape about Christopher Columbus getting the same treatment as the Confederates. He was a horrible man, a horrible representative for our people, and not that special. Any asshole can get lost in a boat.