I don’t remember what we talked about. I remember blushing and smiling a lot. We were there only an hour, and he made me feel more loved than I had ever known in my entire life. ...I signed off, smiling like a hyena on morphine. I couldn’t stop smiling. He had me. Already I was willing to give him anything all because he would accept me. I should be so lucky. I was only worth a dollar, after all.

Women have a sense about themselves. There are certain vibes they can feel. They just know. It’s survival instinct we were born with and mine was going off like a bean si on coke.

Don’t open the door,” Angel said. “Not for anyone.

I devoured books, drank words, studied everything I could get my hands onto. I bounced between music, logic, theology, history, literature, and art.

I am aware of my alternate worlds,” I said. “I am aware that I may have bits of my personality organized into neat little packages called Ian, Angel, and Erik. And the psycho addiction I have to my cats...

Between that weekend and my father, I would never willingly accept another gift from anyone ever again. Gifts were a unique branch of manipulation used to provoke guilt. I hate receiving gifts. A gift is owed debt and I had a back log.

I remember dying a slow, painful death, the kind that leaves you hating the world. I was like a worm. I wove myself a cocoon of dragon scales and there I stayed. ... I shunned emotion, hated all, and embraced logic. I was cold and callous. I had given up. While the trees withered and died, so did I. I turned my heart to stone that autumn.

I had learned to love smiling. I smiled, made eye contact. I was sincere. I still am. I had no qualms looking someone in the eye, smiling, and saying, “Hi. I like you.” It was my way of branding them “friend.” It’s something I practice to this day. If I love someone, I waste no time in telling them. Life is too short.

Dancing had sculpted my body into an 80-pound solid mass of muscle, and the endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin fueled my permanent state of genuine happiness. Truth is, I was so relieved to be away from Scott that I couldn’t help but smile. It became my habit, my MO, I simply fell in love with smiling and laughter, and once I had reason enough to be happy, I couldn’t stop.