I smiled to hide the hell I lived. I smiled to hide the darkness. On the surface, I smiled and grinned and laughed. I had mastered my emotions. What emotions I feel, I allow. No one suspected my wars.

ear. In most people, it provokes a response to run. ... I will make you cum and then I will run. That is what I was trained to do. My brain is programmed this way. My body is conditioned this way. Fear is my trigger. This is what I am. Fear. This is what I have become. This is my defense. You asked for my story. I will tell you exactly how I came to be like this.

I hated checking my voicemail. I associate it with matters of importance and nothing ever was. Such a pain. I also hated guests, change, interruptions, and the feeling I got when someone came to my door. Anxiety, terror, then the arousal. I wanted him to leave and afterward I would indulge in a bit of fantasy.

I knew where I was. It had been too long. I blinked back the image and tried to clear my head. I had to remember which world I was in.

If I were alone right now I would descend into the bowels of my mind and, this time, I wasn’t certain I could come back. There was less and less reason for me to.

I did want to release this poison inside of me. Something longed to put it out there. I ached to be heard. I had tried so many times before.

Oh, how I longed to be heard just once. Perhaps that was why I always spoke my mind. I was tired of not being heard.

The inner-most thoughts of our psyche. Those are the words we keep secret.

Endurance teaches us one thing, if nothing else: to savor the calm after a storm. To savor the lives of those who survived.