I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.