If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.