What is the word that describes that feeling of complete of absent mindedness mixed with a sobering clarity. Like staring at a room that has gone blindingly full of light, a whiteness that keeps your mind attentive. What is the word for that feeling and does anyone else ever feel it? Do people begin everyday with their own prayer to a nameless god that is actually the universe? Are wishes our first thoughts of the day?

Beauty in a dream and beauty in reality can both be witnessed first hand. Mad men and women also witness beauty in their delusions. My world is full of those delusions but perhaps so is everyone else’s since we read into things and in the reading into of things we lose their truth in order to gain some truth in insight.

Another thing I had to learn the hard way is that once the mind is stretched by experience it can never go back to its original dimensions. No matter how desperately the alleged master of the mind wishes it could forget. That means every belief, understanding and perspective I ever have will be shaped by my past experience. Bias becomes unavoidable.

All the joints and drinks in the world could only serve to remind me. I imagine myself being Gatsby watching the party that I have thrown to get to where I am. A future where there is a something. Where I am better, where I am something.

She left me ravenous and wishing upon fireflies for more. Limbs as puzzle pieces we fit together.

The last step before death is the moment of its demise. The emptiness or the new life. But the last step is also a point of reference itself. The last step can last as short or as long as its creator defines it. The last step could be before death itself. It could be the middle of death. It could be the last goodbye or the last look before eyelids drop to a close like curtains.

It was if I made love to a nymph of the mountains or air or wind and she had come to me to make me fall in love and leave, with some grand plan behind those actions. The last time I saw her she was just looking anywhere but me, a magical siren who I was helpless to look at staring at her distant gaze. A side profile of one of the most beautiful things I would ever see, with her hair blowing through the fall Melbourne wind.

The biggest lie I ever told anyone was that I would not leave.

I want to be your lighthouseNo matter how many dreams changeI want to be built upon rockWeathered by stormsSmoothed out by the seaWith jagged edges only you know