There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.