Will Jess be OK with that?”“Having a phone without a passcode is practically an open invitation.”I can’t argue with that kind of logic.

I know for a fact that he regularly steals from self-checkouts and sticks his gum underneath desks. Those are not the actions of a moral person.

Oh my God. Why did he only have a semi?! Do I not merit a full erection?

I’ve fostered a substantial, almost protective affection for this particular group. These aren’t just any fifty people I don’t care about, these are my fifty people I don’t care about.

Where do you think Britney Spears would be now if her mum hadn’t pushed her to keep singing at a young age?!” “Probably a lot calmer, happier and more stable.

IT SLAPPED MY HAND. I’ve been rejected by the penis.

So you spoke to Laurence Myer?”“Oh, no. I added him though. We’ve achieved virtual friendship.

She nodded and smiled, but I could feel that she was slightly disappointed in me. Like Ms Parker when I answer every question in English with ‘It’s a metaphor for desire.

I actually think women are generally very discreet about the whole thing (e.g. Gracie, who obviously bleeds rainbows). If guys bled out of their penises for a week of every month, you can bet we’d hear more about it.