"Will Jess be OK with that?”“Having a phone without a passcode is practically an open invitation.”I can’t argue with that kind of logic."

"I know for a fact that he regularly steals from self-checkouts and sticks his gum underneath desks. Those are not the actions of a moral person."

"Oh my God. Why did he only have a semi?! Do I not merit a full erection?"

"I’ve fostered a substantial, almost protective affection for this particular group. These aren’t just any fifty people I don’t care about, these are my fifty people I don’t care about."

"Where do you think Britney Spears would be now if her mum hadn’t pushed her to keep singing at a young age?!” “Probably a lot calmer, happier and more stable."

"IT SLAPPED MY HAND. I’ve been rejected by the penis."

"So you spoke to Laurence Myer?”“Oh, no. I added him though. We’ve achieved virtual friendship."

"She nodded and smiled, but I could feel that she was slightly disappointed in me. Like Ms Parker when I answer every question in English with ‘It’s a metaphor for desire."

"I actually think women are generally very discreet about the whole thing (e.g. Gracie, who obviously bleeds rainbows). If guys bled out of their penises for a week of every month, you can bet we’d hear more about it."

"I feel weird and not at all like myself, like Stefan Salvatore when he gets the taste for human blood after 150 years."