"PROS: I'm not nice. I'm not not pretty, when I bother to brush my hair. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of rubbish TV shows. I have a blog, too, though it's mainly dedicated to self-pity, and it never results in cake."

"How do YOU want to greet him?!”“By licking his neck?"

"Will Jess be OK with that?”“Having a phone without a passcode is practically an open invitation.”I can’t argue with that kind of logic."

"I know for a fact that he regularly steals from self-checkouts and sticks his gum underneath desks. Those are not the actions of a moral person."

"Oh my God. Why did he only have a semi?! Do I not merit a full erection?"