Like a Volvo, Bjorn Borg is rugged, has good after-sales service, and is very dull.

John McEnroe looks as if he is serving round the edge of an imaginary building.

John McEnroe has hair like badly turned broccoli.

Roscoe Tanner seems to have found a way of making his service go even faster, so that the ball is now quite invisible, like Stealth, the American supersonic bomber which nobody has ever seen.

Bjorn Borg looks like a hunchbacked, jut-bottomed version of Lizabeth Scott, impersonating a bearded Apache princess.

The Benson and Hedges Cup was won by McEnroe ... he was as charming as always, which means that he was as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread.