"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head."

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'"

"It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened."

"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber."

"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters - all of whom are late night comedians."

"According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats."

"Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s."

"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country."

"California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline '74-Year-Old Boxer,' I assumed they were making another 'Rocky' movie."

"Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy."