His face had gotten so fat his eyes were little bloodshot dots of mistrust.

Hotel rooms have an aphrodisiac quality.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'