The course is so long, I had to take the curvature of the Earth into consideration.

It's hard to tell who's going to win this week, but it probably won't be a big, fat guy.

Playing Augusta is like playing a Salvador Dali landscape. I expected a clock to fall out of the trees and hit me in the face.

Colin Montgomerie is a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.

That's the trouble with Nick. The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler.

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.