Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

There's estrogen running through my veins!

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.