Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.