"I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."

"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."

"Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be."