For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby...

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from, Mommy?" They will range from "Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York," to "You were defrosted."

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.