My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.

If your children ever find out how lame you really are, they'll murder you in your sleep.

Children are naive-they trust everyone. School is bad enough, but, if you put a child anywhere in the vicinity of a church, you're asking for trouble.

Kid's heads are filled with so many nonfacts that when they get out of school they're totally unprepared to do anything. They can't read, they can't write, they can't think. Talk about child abuse. The U.S. school system as a whole qualifies.

The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents — because they have a tame child-creature in their house.

What kind of man can name a child Moon Unit?