I think that Shakespeare is a s***. Absolute s***! He may have been a genius for his time, but I just can't relate to that stuff. "Thee and thous" - the guy sounds like a faggot.

I'd like to think that the boring lady who's talking to me now is a lot sexier and more interesting than the one who's doing NPR. You know, studious and reserved, and - I bet you're a lot of fun at a party.

I think it's pathetic that women and men treat each other worse than we treat our pets. It's love or hate.

When you really think about it, I'm not delusional enough to think that what I do is important to life as we know it on this planet. No. But neither is what you do.

When I meet a woman, I don't think, 'Gee, I wonder if she's read the latest thesis by Stephen Hawking? I think, 'Great tits.'

I think I know it all, relatively speaking.

If you're lucky, you don't think in a straight line.

Why is it that most of the folks I know think "personal growth" is caused entirely by those second and third helpings of biscuits and gravy?