Things do still touch me. It surprises me, this capacity within me still to see and feel the beauty in life. I would have expected it to be snuffed out by sorrow.

That's where I am now, caught between past and future.

Now I know that lives tear too. Can they be re-sewn, re-configured, sides to middle, new strength found? Even if they can, I know I will always feel the tell-tale ridge down the centre, at the heart of me.

I feel him in it; in the dappled sunlight dancing on the bed; in the branches swaying outside my bedroom window; in the leaves trembling in the breeze.

I am glad to have had yesterday with its pain and joy. I am glad to have been able to feel it all.

Life was never dull when you were around. It's going to be so quiet without you.

I feel guilt and anger slip away as swiftly as the equatorial sun. And in their place comes sorrow.

I know there is nothing to be gained in accumulating sticks with which to beat myself.

Sadness seems to come in waves. Big rolling waves. I have no choice but to ride them.