he feels, as he increasingly does, that his life is something that has happened to him, rather than something he has had any role in creating.

Heureux, fallait-il dire. Mais qu'était le bonheur, sinon une lubie, un état impossible à préserver, en partie parce qu'on se l'expliquait si mal ? Enfant, il ne se rappelait pas avoir jamais été en mesure de définir le bonheur : il n'y avait que le malheur ou la peur – ou bien l'absence de malheur et de peur, la seule chose qu'il ait jamais souhaitée ou désirée.

I was so busy building my life only to wake and discover it was over

pg 674 "let me get better or let me end it

pg 623 "When they were young, they had only their secrets to give one another: Confessions were currency, and divulgences were a form of intimacy.

pg 685 "And so home he goes, and he waits and waits for Willem to appear to him. But he doesn’t, and finally he sleeps.