The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you're going on a date.

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

Know your load. That’s rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I’m not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando twobirds short of a dinner party....I know I’m pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less.

If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises....

Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.

Another family crisis: The rabbit goes blind.