You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.

If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine.

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.

Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material.

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

You think you're so cool just because you can walk!