If only I could understandThe reason for my cryingIf only I could stop this fearOf dreaming that I'm dying.

I will not let anyone hurt me, like in the dream. I'll hurt myself first. I know the places that are the most delicate. I'll do the hurting from now on, as long as all of this stops!!!!

Accept that you are bad and dirty and cheap and should be thrown to the wolves as scrap meat, and must never bear children, for who knows the faces they would be locked behind from birth until death.

Everyone still sees the smiling Laura Palmer. The girl with perfect grades and perfect hair and perfect little fingers that want to sometimes, late at night, go into the mirror to strangle the daydreaming troublemaker I see in the reflection!

I trust no one, and only rarely myself. I struggle most mornings, afternoons, and evenings with what is right an what is wrong. I do not understand if I am being punished for something I have done wrong, something I don't remember, or if this happens to everyone, and I am just too stupid to understand it.

I have found light and pleasure inside the horror.

I think of death these days as a companion I long to meet.

She says I think too many sad thoughts, and that if I keep it up, who knows what will happen. Donna doesn't know everything I know. I can't help but think sad thoughts sometimes. Sometimes they are the closest things on my mind.

If I am a better person, and if I try harder every day, perhaps all of this will work out.