A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.

Having plans sounds like a good idea - until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.

I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If it’s going to be two against one, make sure you aren’t the one.

Accept that some days you’re the bug, and some days you’re going to be the windshield.

Note to self-give serious thought to becoming an alcoholic.

Men exist because a vibrator can't fix a flat tire. On second thought, I should just buy a AAA card...