I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.