My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.