I mean, Jesus, who even gives a fuck about sex?! People act like it's the most important thing humans do, but come on. How can our fucking lives revolve around something slugs can do?

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, 'Will, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.

When I was little, my dad used to tell me: Will, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Hey, is Jane the gay part of the Gay-Straight Alliance or the straight part?

That's the thing about Tiny. His problems are so huge that yours can hide behind them.

God, I swear I will take a vow of silence and move to a monastery and worship you for all my days if you just this once provide me with an invistibility cloak, come on come on, please please invisibility cloak now now now.

You're welcome, I say exasperated, and then I'm in a porn store.

W-I-L-L G-R-A-Y-S-O-N?, he says, spelling impossibly fast.

Dad, I don't need your approval, I say softly. I know, he answers, But I thought you might like it anyway.