still, what could i say? that i didn't just feel depressed - instead, it was like the depression was the core of me, of every part of me, from my mind to my bones? that if he got blue, i got black? that i hated those pills so much, because i knew how much i relied on them to live?

There is something intensely weird and upsetting about the notion that you can only become yourself by ingesting a medication that changes your self.

I was not taking [my prescription] quite as often as I was technically supposed to. Partly, I kept forgetting, but also there was something else I couldn't quite identify, some way-down fear that taking a pill to become myself was wrong.

(...) yo intentaba explicarle que hay algo enormemente extraño y triste en la idea de que solo puedes llegar a ser tú mismo ingiriendo una medicación que cambia tu yo.