I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

It ate a party till someone ends up naked.

Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.