He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.

When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived.

So, in conclusion, that is the moral of Heidi. 'Always push invalid chairs off the top of mountains when you get the opportunity.' The end. Excellent advice.

BiologyThe film turns out to be about bees. It is a film about a bee center. How crap is this going to be? An hour laterThat was the best thing I have seen for ages. We made Miss Wilson rewind the bit where the two queens were having a bitch fight.

Its okay I'm wearing really big knickers.

Watching TV Mum said, 'Do you miss your dad?' and I said, 'Who?

Unbelievable! I said, "What would I be doing walking the streets at night as a stuffed olive- gate-crashing cocktail parties?

Dad leapt over the garden wall instead of going through the gate. Sadly he didn‘t do himself a severe injury, and so he lives to embarrass me to death another day.