How could I be sleeping with this particular man.... Surely only true love could justify my lack of taste.

All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard.

I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.

I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

Think of yourselves as pearls. We, sitting in our rows, eyes down, we make her salivate morally. We are hers to define, we must suffer her adjectives. I think about pearls. Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

He was a dork, a dink, a dong… Why should the male member be used as a term of abuse? No man hated his own dorkdinkdong, quite the opposite. But maybe it was an affront that any other man had one. That must be the truth.

She looks like a very young old person, or a very old young person; but then, she's looked that way ever since she was two.