Always, always be yourself. Unless you’re a dunce, douche, doofus, or a schmuck.

Whenever someone throws a tantrum I usually duck. Other times I goose. But I never quail or chicken out.

I used to say: “All religions are somewhat true. But my religion is the truest of them all because I was born into it and never got to choose it.” Now I have transcended this atavistic dogmatic reality tunnel and evolved into spirituality, thereby making me more spiritually enlightened than you.

Arguing with a fool means you’re also one.

Should the fact that we cut down trees using axe handles made of wood be called irony or woody?

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me crazy, I’d build a mental asylum and check them into it one by one.

Misplaced commas are, egregious.

Jokes about full stops are not funny, period.