The telltale clenching of hands into fists is all the invitation I need as I close the gap to hound his personal space. Suck on my aura you spineless shit!

The soy is seeping through the material like a BP oil slick in a Louisiana swamp.

I don't know what's in the water but chivalrous men seem to be landing here along with the weird lights in the sky and nine coloured rainbows. They said the end of the world was close, I just didn't expect men with manners to be part of the equation

he just clamps his lips over mine and sticks his tongue so far into my mouth I feel like I'm being examined by the ENT gynae

She wears those old fashioned pj's like body armour. Going to bed these days is like wresting with Kevlar.

The sad thing is that sometimes I just wanna roll over and give her a little cuddle, but the bolster pillow she insists on sleeping with down the middle of the bed between us means I’d need to be a mountaineer as well as a locksmith.

Nothing works. My throat, my eyelids - nothing but my heart, which - oh god – am I having a panic attack? No, no, you don't almost orgasm with a panic attack.

His voice... my nipples are like tuning forks responding to that pitch – that purrrrr.

Eve is married to my credit card, not me