See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Honey, you [Michael Jackson] gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.

Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer!

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.

Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, "Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause."