My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.