We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.