When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I have three kids, one of each.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.