When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.