However hard and however long we love someone who has died, they can never love us back. At least that is how it feels...

For a moment amongst the crowd, I saw you. I've since found out it's common for people separated from someone they love to keep seeing that loved one amongst strangers; something to do with recognition units in our brain being too heated and too easily triggered. This cruel trick of the mind lasted only a few moments, but was long enough to feel with physical force how much I needed you.

Usually time alters and affects everything, but when someone you love dies time cannot change that, no amount of time will ever change that, so time stops having any meaning.

Grief is love turned into an eternal missing

As the vicar said 'in sure and certain hope of eternal life' you turned to me,'I don't want sure and certain hope, I want sure and certain, Bee.'At your funeral I wanted sure and certain too. But even the church can only hope, not promise, that the end of human life is happy ever after.

But, astonishingly, I'm not broken. I'm not destroyed. Terrified witless, shaking, retching with fear, yes. But no longer insecure. Because during my search for how you died, I somehow found myself to be a different person. ... Living my life. And it wouldn't be my grief for you that toppled the mountain, but love.

When I saw your strand of hair I knew that grief is love turned into an eternal missing.

And I felt closer to you. Because you knew me so much better than I'd realized - and still loved me.

My job isn't to go around judging people. Priests are meant to teach love and forgiveness. That to me is the essence of being a Christian. And trying to find that love and forgiveness in ourselves and others every day should be a challenge that we want to achieve.