when we begin with offering grace, the ways in which we orient our conversations fundamentally change. We begin by offering each other the benefit of the doubt instead of being ready to pounce on the first weakness or illustration of conflict. We begin by prioritizing our shared connection to one another instead of our conflicts. We move forward instead of shutting down.

We need to bring our voices and perspectives to the table calmly, with respect for ourselves and one another, recognizing that we do not live alone. America has never been and will never be homogeneous. We are here to bump up against each other. We need to bring our faith and values not just to specific issues but to the process of engaging in civil discourse.

Paradox is disorienting at times. It is also empowering. It can be empowering to say “I don’t know.” It can be empowering to trust the testimonies and experiences of others. As people of faith, we should know that and live that experience.

Whether you believe our country’s problem is generational, geographical, or partisan, the most important thing to know about the polarization in American politics today is that we are choosing it. We are choosing division. We are choosing conflict. We are choosing to turn our civic sphere into a circus. We are choosing all of this, and we can choose otherwise.

Our driving force shouldn’t be ensuring that a particular party controls a particular wing of government. Our driving force should be the values that are most important to us in living in community with other people.

When we don’t understand our “why”—the values behind our positions—we are too easily tempted to follow our confirmation bias down an amoral or immoral black hole of support for politicians who simply don’t deserve it.

We have to let go of the idea that there is too much at stake or that one issue is too important to honestly and realistically question our positions on other issues.

For values or guiding principles to be truly effective they have to be verbs. It’s not “integrity,” it’s “always do the right thing.” It’s not “innovation,” it’s “look at the problem from a different angle.” Articulating our values as verbs gives us a clear idea—we have a clear idea of how to act in any situation.

We have to stop fearing difficult discussions and start seeing them as opportunities for growth.