I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.