I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

Some humor experts say the secret to humor is to combine something unexpected with something bad and then make sure it's happening to someone else. But if that's all it took, serial killers would be winning comedy competitions.