If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy!

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.