I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.

The next sentence is false.The previous sentence is true. I'll wait while your heads explode.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.