"If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater."

"A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don't agree with that, but I don't like hairy women."

"Actually the best thing I did was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot."

"I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon."

"In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve."

"I'm gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dog... Would hump ya."

"Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these."

"All those people who go around saying Life begins at forty, they're notable by their absence. The nerve."

"I woke with a start. At first I assumed I'd trumped myself awake again."

"Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."