Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.