I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.